2b Journal writing experience

The day I chose to write about was my audition for a circus show in Holland over the Christmas period, which I was successful in being cast in. This day affected my week (I could now chill out and relax), month (not worrying about auditioning so could take on promotional work till December) and BAPP course (wanting to get the first module done before I leave).

Having kept diaries in the past, generally I would write a description of what happened in the day and leave it at that. This task however got me to think more critically about the day bringing in feelings, emotions and thoughts of what went well and what I could learn from. It got me to tap into what was going through my head at the the time and how I felt after on reflection.

I started by writing down a description of what happened throughout the day, which in itself started to bring back many feelings and emotions felt. This would be about the point I would get to in past journals. Writing down what went on in a day helps to record the days events but doesn't really get you reflecting.

So I next looked at initial reflection where I wrote down my feelings during the actual audition: nervous, anxious, fired up, hot, sweaty, worried, adrenaline pumping and what was going through my head: tough competition, not going to make the cut, trying to stay cool by the fan, trying to see the choreographer to learn the routine, putting my own style on the moves, did my agent remember me from all those years ago and does she now have favourites she will put through?

Looking back all these feelings and thoughts were actually quite negative at the time. Because auditions are a very stressful situation to be in it is hard to relax and be positive. You are constantly worried as you never know when you could be dancing for the last time not making the next cut.

I also wrote my feelings after the audition: relieved, happy, excited, ready to celebrate, tired, pleased
 
Because I had landed the contract and made it through these were all happy excited feelings rushing through my head as well as a massive sense of relief that I had got a job and didn't have to worry about the rigorous audition process for a while. My mood had dramatically changed to that of nervous and worried to happy and thrilled. I think as a dancer/performer this major adrenaline rush is something that we all secretly crave without realising it and our moods often will change from one extreme to the other as that is just the industry we are in. I know I secretly love the feeling and get a buzz from auditions even though they are a tiring and hard process. But maybe I only feel this way now as I got the contract whereas if I hadn't I would feel down, depressed and not want to go to another audition.

This brings me onto the idea of writing the day from another perspective. I decided to write from a dancer who got cut right before the end. Since I had been to two auditions that were not a success before this I am well aware of the feeling of disappointment. I think the most frustrating thing for these girls was getting so close and feeling anticipation and excitement of almost making it and then getting cut and feeling disappointed at yourself. I realised when writing this that had I not made it I would have focused on how much better the other dancers were and made excuses as to why I wasn't chosen- not wearing the right thing, made a mistake in the routine, didn't smile enough, didn't push to the front enough. But in reality when we get that close to making it it comes down to the slightest thing and at this audition it was height. One girl was cut because she was too tall and towered over the rest of us and another because she was way too short. I was thankful for the heels on my jazz shoes which made me appear taller even though I was still on the shorter side.

I found that making a list of things of things I did and saw helped to clarify the day and sum it up. It also made me realise what was really important to me by what came to mind first. Making this list also included my feelings so I found it a good tool to use when writing my journal. By evaluating the day I learnt that during the audition I was reflecting-in-action by watching the way other dancers were doing the routine, taking what i liked and then using that when I danced. For example at the end of the set routine we were supposed to hit a end pose. The way the music carried though made one girl continue to move to the music out from the pose with slow arms movements etc and it looked really effective catching the directors eye. I took that idea and used it when it came to my turn which I felt not only helped the directors focus on me but ultimately helped me land the job.When so many girls are a room all at one time you have to do something to stand out and using this idea and doing my own take on it helped catch the eye of the directors.

I also saw what to avoid. Dancers were not being technical enough on the routine by not watching and doing what the choreographer was actually asking of us. As strange as the choreography may be we must try and do what the choreographer wants. Some girls were cheating a certain move to make themselves look more flexible for example and the choreographer stopped and asked them to do it how it was set. Sometimes in a stressful situation and in the midst of trying to get noticed dancers throw their technique away and everything is too over the top. Arms flaring everywhere, feet not in the right place these girls were cut at the first round.
Writing about the themes of the day was a good way to reflect-on-action. There wasn't really anything I would say I would do differently since I got the job. So i looked at what I was glad I did which I felt led to me getting thumbs up from all the panel:

* I wore my jazz boots which have a heel to help me look taller. when it came to the final cut I was one of the shorter girls but the choreographer came up to me, looked me dead in the eye and said the dance captain from France was exactly my height so the other girls were actually measured up to me.

* I changed from the original pink top I had on to a black halter. Even though there were a lot of girls in black, i felt it made me look and feel slimmer and showed my body in a better light.

* I threw in triple turns instead of double. Knowing i can pull of a solid triple turn I put this in which made the heads of the panel turn to me. Although I am a strong believer in doing what the choreographer sets you have to make yourself stand out in auditions and this helped get their attention.

What really made me enthusiastic about the whole experience was at the end when we were given a programme of the circus show and got to look through all the pictures. It looked amazing and we were given some leaflets to take away and show people. If any of you are interested it is on http://www.circusfestival.com/
It made me excited to actually see what I will be a part of and when they took down our measurements it became real  as well. after such a gruelling audition especially at the end where they were trying to select the final cast a huge feeling of relief swept over me! Relief that after two previous failed auditions I had got something, relief that I didn't have to worry about auditioning for a while and the relief of knowing I was going to get to dance professionally again soon.

Doing this task really made me think about how I reflect on my work as a professional dancer. So often I will go to auditions, maybe reflect a bit about what happened on the train ride home and then forget about those thoughts altogether. I have realised that I will never be able to learn from the many experiences I have unless I really think about why something did or didn't work for me.